Battle Plans

It's officially a new year, and while it may feel like the same rubbish from a few days prior, I'm trying to stay in that "new slate" frame of mind. My troubles are as mighty and mountainous as before, but I'm trying to hold on to the hope that may be on the horizon because of something as insignificant as a new marker of time.

Last year, I was certain that 2008 would be baptismal. Surely it couldn't be worse than 2007. I was, for the most part, wrong again. 2008 was a soul-sapping nightmare for nearly everyone I know (myself included) that left many of us broke, hopeless, and on the verge of being emotionally crippled. But, 2009 .... ah, 2009 will be different. And I will hold on to this foolish optimism until I am vindicated and proven correct, or until 2010 steamrolls me.

There are relationships I feel the need to sever or alter. There are others I feel the need to renew or to grow from scratch. There are huge plans I need to bring to fruition.

I feel it in my bones, friends. This year is the tipping point. And if not, I'll do everything within my power to force the stubborn hand of the cosmos.

Happy New Year.

The Old Wise Ones

Walt Whitman once wrote:

"Dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body."

I find myself in stringent agreement with that ...

Now Is The Time

Every election year, the talking heads, the candidates, your peers, your friends, and your enemies all say that it's the most important election of our lifetime. You can't blame them. It usually SEEMS to be true. Just like every generation seems to think the sky is falling and they'll be the LAST generation to be. The trend transcends politics and goes back thousands of years. So, understandably, many are jaded by the seemingly stale talking point of a quadrennial election being the single most defining national event you'll live through. So ... at the risk of sounding like Chicken Little ... the sky IS falling and this IS the most important election of our lifetime.

I've never experienced such division and fear and paranoia in this nation. This is more than a struggle between two well-to-do older guys vying for power and drowning in their own ambitions. This election is about choosing a direction at a very wide fork in the road. It's about saving this nation from its position of being on life support in the eyes of the world. It's about saving American lives. It's about choosing diplomacy over brutality. In a subversive way, it's a class war, a generational war, and a battle for ideological supremacy in a quickly shifting electorate.

I'm a registered Independent. Granted, a much more left leaning Independent, but an Independent nonetheless. I've voted Democrat, Republican, and third party depending on the position and the circumstance. This election year, I am proudly supporting Barack Obama for President. Unlike many younger people I've spoken to, this isn't a matter of holding my nose and picking the lesser of two evils. I don't agree with Obama on several important issues. His position on nuclear energy comes to mind (I'm opposed to the use of nuclear energy until some feasible way of dealing with the waste is created and implemented). I also disagree with his advocacy of clean coal (There's no such thing as clean coal currently. The only positive use of clean coal as far as I'm concerned is to develop the technology further and export it to nations who are currently using massive amounts of old and dirty coal technology. Namely, China). I'm very much opposed to partial birth abortion. I don't like the Reverend Wright ties (It's one of the few valid right-wing criticisms. Although, admittedly, they've been blown out of proportion). However, these disagreements are far outshadowed by his progressive and forward thinking positions on many key issues that I find much more important: the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, education funding and reform, his economic policies, his stance on diplomacy over bully tactics, and his pushes for transparency and involvement in national government, to name a few.

The Republican party has pulled out seemingly every stop in this election cycle. It's a smear campaign the likes of which made even Carl Rove blush. Directly or indirectly, Obama has been accused of being a Muslim, an infanticide supporter, a socialist, a black supremecist, a terrorist sympathizer, and non-citizen. Campaigns get ugly in every election, whether on a local, state, or national level. It's the nature of the beast. However, there is a point at which half-truths become blatant character assassination, and questions asked of an opponent go beyond policy differences and cross into hate-mongering fear tactics. The McCain campaign has crossed every line. This isn't to say that Barack Obama's campaign has clean hands, either. However, the differences seem to be glaring. Obama's criticisms of McCain tend to be mostly truths with fine print. McCain's criticisms of Obama tend to be blatant lies in bold. What amazes me is that people will spread this disinformation around with the casualty of a forwarded joke, when there are a plethora of credible news and fact-checking resources online at everyone's fingertips.

Even more amazing is how some of the decades old right-wing smears are taking hold, as if we've never heard them before. For example, the "socialist" label. It's one of the oldest Republican tricks in the book. And, lo and behold, with all the Democrats ever elected to high positions of power in this nation, the "socialism" has never happened. Curious. You can give any connotation to any word. Using the word "liberal" as a dirty word seems to have taken root in the psyche of the American public in recent years. Using the term "spreading the wealth" while talking about a simple roll-back of 8 year old tax cuts is borderline laughable. These arguments are moot. By right-wing definitions of "socialism" or "socialist behavior", Social Security is socialism. Medicare is socialism. The much heralded Wall Street Bail Out was socialism (or at least nationalizing lender failures while privatizing their profits). Any time a school is funded or a road is built ... any time minimum wage is raised or a tax break to ANY economic class is given ... THAT'S spreading the wealth. The argument being presented is thusly impotent. It's simply a matter of splitting hairs on policy and giving the term "spreading the wealth" a certain connotation against Obama's tax plans to strike fear into the hearts of people it either won't affect or would actually benefit from them in this election.

One of the only valid arguments presented by the Republicans in this election is Obama's lack of experience. It's a legitimate worry for many, and understandably so. Personally, I don't give much credence to it. Some of our greatest presidents had little experience before taking office. What's more important in this time is a first class intellect, the right temperment, vision, leadership, the ability to inspire, and being forward thinking. Obama's ability to garner support from some of the leading Republicans of our time is a testament to his ability to cross over and build bridges. We desperately need it these days.

By tomorrow's end, I'm predicting an Obama victory, and a decisive one. We NEED a clear victory after 8 years of stolen or shady elections. We NEED a mandate to make up so much of the ground that we've lost.

The Republican Party is in the throes of a horrible death, and thank God. Not to say that the Republican Party should be snuffed out, because I think quite the opposite. I think Republicans tend to do good work in state government. Their fundamental belief in Federalism plays to that. Conversely, I think they tend to be trainwrecks in national office, for the same reasons. But, what will die is NOT the Republican party. It will be the last 12 years of poisonous philosophy that has hijacked the party, hollowed it out, and turned into a broken shell of what it once was. Republicans used to be the party of principle and reform. That all seemed to change after Eisenhower, and it's been a slow, creeping progression toward the monster it has become. The Republican Party is not the one of your grandfather's generation ... or even your father's generation. It has turned into a party of fear-mongering, theocratic devisiveness. It's become the party of empty, flag-waving patriotism, used as accusatory gestures toward "the other side", who they would perceive as cowards and Godless haters of the American way. Their view is no longer based on political differences, but of ideological warfare of the filthiest kind. They have become a party that not only hates progressive ideas, but IDEAS in general. They perpetually sell the concept of going back to good old days that never existed in the first place. They champion the working class, the suburbanite middle income folks, and shun the cities and, on a larger scale, intellect itself. This is all contrary to their actual policies, which have long been hugely slanted toward the very wealthy IN these big cities they have now deemed not fit for "the real America". They have somehow turned the Democrats into the frightening big city elitists. How did this happen? Can any of you remember just a decade ago when, based on ACTUAL policies, the Democrats were seen as the party of the poor, the middle class, the working and suburban folks of America .... while the Republicans were seen as the almost exclusively white, elitist, big business party? Does anyone else find it odd how this switcheroo was allowed to happen almost seemlessly? I find it repugnant that the neo-cons can all but spit at New York City, the New York Times, and the so-called "media elite" who preside there, apparently deeming it part of the "fake America" they speak of ... all the while, standing on the rubble of the Twin Towers and using 9/11 to bolster their campaign of fear.

This recent era of Republican metamorphasis is going to leave them in shambles on November 5th. The party will be forced to re-group and re-consider its use of ideology over logic, its era of New McCarthyism, its disdain for intellect and change, its use of fear as distraction. What I hope to see is a re-emergence of the Republican Party that once was. The Rockefeller Republicans. The Eisenhower Republicans. It's already on the horizon, as our own Governor Bobby Jindal is evidence of. And, mark my words, if Obama is elected on November 4th, you will see Bobby Jindal on the national stage in 2012. He's the Republican answer to Obama: reform-minded, progressive within his own party, young, and (lest I forget) ... a minority. I think that times will get quite interesting on the political front in the coming years, and I'm looking forward to it. All things considered, I think it'll be a greater time for our nation ... and a turning point we desperately need.

Whatever your views, and whether you disagree with me or not ... get out and VOTE tomorrow. Democracy could use a shot in the arm.

Personally, it's my Superbowl. I'll be celebrating for most of the day .... and hoping for some of those pink states to turn blue faster than a choking victim.

Viva Democracy.

Satrudee

The majority of tonight was spent riding around with my compadre, Jason. Windows down, the ridiculous music and spoken word pieces and audio sketches that we've created playing on the radio. Much needed mirth and fresh air time. Somehow it morphed into us talking about the possibilities of space and time getting wrinkled or collapsing in on itself. What if we were driving down the street, saw ourselves from 11 months ago walking out of the paper goods shop, while Jason's car carrying us from 3 months ago passed by and heckled us from 11 months ago? What if we passed by and saw ourselves ordering food at the pizza place down the block? We worked ourselves up into such a giggling, school-girl like frenzy that when we got back to Jason's and I rang his empty apartment's doorbell, waiting for his past or future self to answer the door, it legitimately gave us both chills and sent us fleeing into the parking lot.

It sent back torrents of memories and possible scenarios. What if it was back in April and I was dying on his couch again? What if we passed behind that drug store where I collapsed in a heap into the garbage cans all those months ago ... and saw it all happening again? What if I saw myself upstairs walking into my old apartment? The good times are always nestled within the nasty stuff. I enjoy my memories. Reminiscing is an important part of my every day. But, it's a mixed bag that can't necessarilly be separated. It's like wrapping myself up in a warm blanket that has a few loose and sharp safety pins hidden within.

But, I like it. I like tonight. We passed by hundreds of people out reveling, getting drunk, trying to get laid, trying to get high, just trying to be SEEN. But, our fun is different. I enjoy the purity and joy of being allowed to be a fucking child here and there.

Night before last, I had a dream that I was in a train wreck. It was a large passenger train, and we knew something bad was about to happen as we entered a tunnel. The lights went out and there was screaming and the sound of metal coming apart. Next thing I know, I'm being flung, tumbling down the track. I land in a heap and see Hunter S. Thompson behind me, in a wheelchair, screaming about "the end". What the hell is THAT supposed to mean? I'm pretty sure it just means I shouldn't eat spicy food before going to bed anymore. Lesson learned.

Chicken Fingers

Some time ago, while a friend and I were eating at Raisin' Canes, I noticed a young couple playing those "young couple" games in a corner booth. A heavy-set girl, probably 16 or 17 ... and a skinny, awkward, shaggy young man of the same age. She kept making sexual gestures with the straw, hugging up to him ... all of the ridiculous, seemingly desperate things that kids "of the age" do. It occurred to me that, at some point, the young man will probably take to heart some of the slanderous things his friends and peers will say about the girl's weight or appearance, and abandon her. Maybe he'll just break it off, maybe he'll be too chicken-shit and cheat on her. Either way, it's inescapable that he's going to break her poor, fat heart. It almost saddened me to the point of ruining my meal.

Then, I remembered that the dipping sauce I had in front of me was delicious. It all seemed about right then.

Watching the Devil Die

Being a nontheist, my devil takes many forms. Just like in the scriptures, it's clever, cunning, ruthless, and a master of disguises. My devil could be circumstances beyond my control, it could be alcohol, it could be fear, it could be the people who surround me, it could be money, it could be work, it could be a perception of fate. More commonly, my devil is an amalgam of these things. I've lived with it by my side for most of my life, constantly morphing into one form or another.

I've recently reached what I feel to be a turning point in my life. I feel that I'm at a crossroads where I can either continue on the path of least resistance, play it safe, and allow the pieces to fall where they may, which will surely lead me to inevitable failure and depression. OR ... I can shed myself of everything that feels like a psychic weight, take risks, burn a few bridges, and have a 50/50 shot at true freedom and happiness again.

There are an absurd amount of forces around me that seem to be dragging me into a hole. Some of these forces have hands and hearts and faces. There are people in my life who, while their intentions may be pure, are selfishly holding me in place, storing me somewhere I don't want to be, anchoring me .... or at least a deeper mental part of me, down. I will not be anyone's property. I will not be the scapegoat for anyone else's insecurities, hangups, or past experiences. I will not stay here, or move anywhere, or do anything, for anyone else. Not anymore. This isn't to say that I don't care about other people, because I do. I suppose that's part of my problem. I live my life with so much baggage because I don't want to hurt others, and I sometimes try to help and give until I lose huge chunks of myself. I am sick of being guilted or pursued into things that make me feel .... unwell.

Those who know me understand my nature. When I'm troubled or depressed, I withdraw. Interaction simply doesn't agree with me in that particular state. I can't fake it and feign good humor in the face of it, and I shouldn't have to simply because someone else wants me to come out and play. If you're one of the people who have accosted me due to my withdrawal, then you obviously don't understand me, or don't care to understand. If you're one of the people who have gotten angry at me as of late simply because I haven't deviated from my path and catered to you, I'm not going to concern myself with you. And, truly, it won't burden me in the least not to know you anymore.

My devil is the people around me. It's this city. It's my work. It's drunken nights and a lack of ambition. It's laziness. It's taking the easy way out. It's allowing myself to succumb to everything that feels goddamn evil and wrong.

I've decided to pick a fight. I want to see every negative force ... every aspect of my depression topple to the ground. Every person who uses me to any degree, any circumstance that weighs on my soul, any obstacle to my greater good ... I'm going to sit back and watch you die.

And, quite honestly ... I'm going to enjoy it.

Fire From the Sky

It appears that this is it, friends. Hurricane Gustav is expected to make landfall soon, and the consequences could, and are expected to be, extreme.

I just finished watching the mayor's press conference, in which multiple people referred to this storm as "surpassing Katrina", "the storm of the century", "the most horrific thing this city will ever have endured", and "a storm that will break records", among other colorful blurbs. I know this is intended to startle people into leaving, and it works. Those are sobering words.

I was going to stay in the city this time and ride the hurricane out. A sick part of me wishes I had stayed behind for Hurricane Katrina. And there's still a huge part of me that wants to be here for this. How often to you get to see the drowning of an American city? How many people can say they lived through and witnessed the death of a metropolis? I wanted to experience it.

However, the option of staying here is now off the table, as the building I was going to take refuge in is being shut down. It's a ghost town here, save for some stragglers and armored humvees. It looks like a police state.

People have told me not to speak like that. That a city won't die; that it'll return. And that's true to a degree. No matter what happens, people will return, and businesses will eventually re-open. But it will never, ever be the same. It's death as far as most are concerned.

I don't know what I'll do if I get wiped out again. I don't look forward to the prospect of being homeless once more. I barely have the funds to get out of town, much less struggle through the uncertainty of things if this IS "The Big One".

I will not return if this is another Katrina. I will not endure this process again.

I wasn't quite ready to leave this town behind yet, but here it is. I'll be packing the most treasured of my possessions into the Jeep and hitting the road with an expired and now doctored temp tag, and low coolant. Hopefully I won't overheat or end up in a jail somewhere.

Beyond that, I'm setting time aside tonight to take a bath in my roomates' bathroom, since this may be my last chance. I'm going to eat some of their food since it's only going to spoil in the refrigerator anyway ... and I'm not going to worry about mopping the floor.

With a heavy heart and a bitter taste in my mouth, I bid you all adieu ... for now.