Some time ago, while a friend and I were eating at Raisin' Canes, I noticed a young couple playing those "young couple" games in a corner booth. A heavy-set girl, probably 16 or 17 ... and a skinny, awkward, shaggy young man of the same age. She kept making sexual gestures with the straw, hugging up to him ... all of the ridiculous, seemingly desperate things that kids "of the age" do. It occurred to me that, at some point, the young man will probably take to heart some of the slanderous things his friends and peers will say about the girl's weight or appearance, and abandon her. Maybe he'll just break it off, maybe he'll be too chicken-shit and cheat on her. Either way, it's inescapable that he's going to break her poor, fat heart. It almost saddened me to the point of ruining my meal.
Then, I remembered that the dipping sauce I had in front of me was delicious. It all seemed about right then.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Watching the Devil Die
Being a nontheist, my devil takes many forms. Just like in the scriptures, it's clever, cunning, ruthless, and a master of disguises. My devil could be circumstances beyond my control, it could be alcohol, it could be fear, it could be the people who surround me, it could be money, it could be work, it could be a perception of fate. More commonly, my devil is an amalgam of these things. I've lived with it by my side for most of my life, constantly morphing into one form or another.
I've recently reached what I feel to be a turning point in my life. I feel that I'm at a crossroads where I can either continue on the path of least resistance, play it safe, and allow the pieces to fall where they may, which will surely lead me to inevitable failure and depression. OR ... I can shed myself of everything that feels like a psychic weight, take risks, burn a few bridges, and have a 50/50 shot at true freedom and happiness again.
There are an absurd amount of forces around me that seem to be dragging me into a hole. Some of these forces have hands and hearts and faces. There are people in my life who, while their intentions may be pure, are selfishly holding me in place, storing me somewhere I don't want to be, anchoring me .... or at least a deeper mental part of me, down. I will not be anyone's property. I will not be the scapegoat for anyone else's insecurities, hangups, or past experiences. I will not stay here, or move anywhere, or do anything, for anyone else. Not anymore. This isn't to say that I don't care about other people, because I do. I suppose that's part of my problem. I live my life with so much baggage because I don't want to hurt others, and I sometimes try to help and give until I lose huge chunks of myself. I am sick of being guilted or pursued into things that make me feel .... unwell.
Those who know me understand my nature. When I'm troubled or depressed, I withdraw. Interaction simply doesn't agree with me in that particular state. I can't fake it and feign good humor in the face of it, and I shouldn't have to simply because someone else wants me to come out and play. If you're one of the people who have accosted me due to my withdrawal, then you obviously don't understand me, or don't care to understand. If you're one of the people who have gotten angry at me as of late simply because I haven't deviated from my path and catered to you, I'm not going to concern myself with you. And, truly, it won't burden me in the least not to know you anymore.
My devil is the people around me. It's this city. It's my work. It's drunken nights and a lack of ambition. It's laziness. It's taking the easy way out. It's allowing myself to succumb to everything that feels goddamn evil and wrong.
I've decided to pick a fight. I want to see every negative force ... every aspect of my depression topple to the ground. Every person who uses me to any degree, any circumstance that weighs on my soul, any obstacle to my greater good ... I'm going to sit back and watch you die.
And, quite honestly ... I'm going to enjoy it.
I've recently reached what I feel to be a turning point in my life. I feel that I'm at a crossroads where I can either continue on the path of least resistance, play it safe, and allow the pieces to fall where they may, which will surely lead me to inevitable failure and depression. OR ... I can shed myself of everything that feels like a psychic weight, take risks, burn a few bridges, and have a 50/50 shot at true freedom and happiness again.
There are an absurd amount of forces around me that seem to be dragging me into a hole. Some of these forces have hands and hearts and faces. There are people in my life who, while their intentions may be pure, are selfishly holding me in place, storing me somewhere I don't want to be, anchoring me .... or at least a deeper mental part of me, down. I will not be anyone's property. I will not be the scapegoat for anyone else's insecurities, hangups, or past experiences. I will not stay here, or move anywhere, or do anything, for anyone else. Not anymore. This isn't to say that I don't care about other people, because I do. I suppose that's part of my problem. I live my life with so much baggage because I don't want to hurt others, and I sometimes try to help and give until I lose huge chunks of myself. I am sick of being guilted or pursued into things that make me feel .... unwell.
Those who know me understand my nature. When I'm troubled or depressed, I withdraw. Interaction simply doesn't agree with me in that particular state. I can't fake it and feign good humor in the face of it, and I shouldn't have to simply because someone else wants me to come out and play. If you're one of the people who have accosted me due to my withdrawal, then you obviously don't understand me, or don't care to understand. If you're one of the people who have gotten angry at me as of late simply because I haven't deviated from my path and catered to you, I'm not going to concern myself with you. And, truly, it won't burden me in the least not to know you anymore.
My devil is the people around me. It's this city. It's my work. It's drunken nights and a lack of ambition. It's laziness. It's taking the easy way out. It's allowing myself to succumb to everything that feels goddamn evil and wrong.
I've decided to pick a fight. I want to see every negative force ... every aspect of my depression topple to the ground. Every person who uses me to any degree, any circumstance that weighs on my soul, any obstacle to my greater good ... I'm going to sit back and watch you die.
And, quite honestly ... I'm going to enjoy it.
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