I find it physically painful to restrain the urge to keep driving ... and driving and driving and driving ...
I want to go everywhere. I want to do marvelous things. I want to be in very specific somewheres at very specific sometimes.
I want to eat everything on the planet simultaneously. I want to drink anything until I burst. So long as it's cold.
I want to feel sick. Lovesick, homesick, carsick, sick from being full. Sick from simply being well too long.
I don't want to be HERE, doing whatever THIS is.
I want to feel fulfilled. I want to feel validated. I want to create things I'm actually proud of.
I want to be unafraid. I want to be unconcerned.
I want to be emotionally transparent. I want to be intellectually stimulated. I want to be free.
I want to weep from the pure hope of it all.
I want to be many things that I am not, nor will I ever be ... because I simply don't have the capacity.
But, mostly, I don't want to have to try. And so it goes ...
2 comments:
You may not have the capacity now, but one day you will. I like to think that our capacities grow as we do, someday you shall be morbidly obese and jolly, and you'll have some damn good stories to tell. THAT is how it goes.
Sometimes I'll have this weird moment where I cry out of amazement/distress. It lasts about 3 minutes, looks like crocodile tears, and hurts my throat like a forced scream. I get overwhelmed by the poetry of life, of beating hearts and blood flow, and then I get so fucking distressed that my life feels like a series of unspecial, unorgasmic, unpoetic ups and downs. Like my life is too real. I am happy, my life is good. But sometimes it feels like I'm chasing a flavor that only exists in retrospect thinking. I am currently working on getting crazy enough to hypnotize my own self into a state of "play", like when you are 5 and a spot of grass is an entire world and chewing on it is the best moment of your life because you get to be a cow. The feeling might be slightly different, but I do relate to what you have written.
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